lundi, avril 11, 2005
change my luck, can't stay, going far, in a rush
[Editorial disclaimer: I'm all introspective and pensive in this here "home stretch". Proceed at your own risk.]
I don't know where home is anymore, you know. I've made do all year in this little "shack" that's hardly bigger than a hotel room (with a cat!), and now that "the end is in sight", I find myself reluctant to throw away the tiny little life I've created here. I never loved Lennoxville before, and I still don't, but these past eight months have turned into something more satisfying than I ever could have imagined.
Stressful? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. Lonely? For a while.
But also busy. And productive. And stimulating. And challenging. And rewarding.
I did it. I came here with hardly a carload of stuff (that would have been hard, since I flew), not knowing a soul in town, and you know what I've come up with? A life. A degree (so close I can almost taste it). Good friends.
The silly part is how I'm just like any other graduate right now. And that is, terrified to face the real world again. What will I do? How will things be any different for me, really? What do I have to contribute? I don't even know how to look for a job with my new "credentials". I keep pulling up the classified job ads and getting completely discouraged at the options available. A B.A. qualifies me for nothing new. And I don't know what to do. Or what I want to do.
The other day I surprised myself with an outpouring of emotion and worry (poor Devin), as I expressed how I don't even know WHY I'm going back to Calgary. Other than family and friends, the city doesn't hold special appeal for me. But family and friends are important; I've missed them this year. And that's where my stuff is. But "because my stuff's there" has got to be the dumbest reason for going anywhere, don't you think.
In less than a month I'll be huddled into my next too-small space, my mother's basement (if she'll have me), crossing my fingers and hoping that something wonderful comes my way. And hoping that the chances I've taken pay off somehow. | ¶ 9:22 p.m.
I don't know where home is anymore, you know. I've made do all year in this little "shack" that's hardly bigger than a hotel room (with a cat!), and now that "the end is in sight", I find myself reluctant to throw away the tiny little life I've created here. I never loved Lennoxville before, and I still don't, but these past eight months have turned into something more satisfying than I ever could have imagined.
Stressful? Yes. Frustrating? Yes. Lonely? For a while.
But also busy. And productive. And stimulating. And challenging. And rewarding.
I did it. I came here with hardly a carload of stuff (that would have been hard, since I flew), not knowing a soul in town, and you know what I've come up with? A life. A degree (so close I can almost taste it). Good friends.
The silly part is how I'm just like any other graduate right now. And that is, terrified to face the real world again. What will I do? How will things be any different for me, really? What do I have to contribute? I don't even know how to look for a job with my new "credentials". I keep pulling up the classified job ads and getting completely discouraged at the options available. A B.A. qualifies me for nothing new. And I don't know what to do. Or what I want to do.
The other day I surprised myself with an outpouring of emotion and worry (poor Devin), as I expressed how I don't even know WHY I'm going back to Calgary. Other than family and friends, the city doesn't hold special appeal for me. But family and friends are important; I've missed them this year. And that's where my stuff is. But "because my stuff's there" has got to be the dumbest reason for going anywhere, don't you think.
In less than a month I'll be huddled into my next too-small space, my mother's basement (if she'll have me), crossing my fingers and hoping that something wonderful comes my way. And hoping that the chances I've taken pay off somehow. | ¶ 9:22 p.m.
