mercredi, juin 07, 2006
you don't understand me, and you'd never even try to anyway
This is what happens when you have time off and nothing planned. You end up doing a lot of your sleeping in daytime hours and find yourself awake at crazy hours of the night. And doing a lot of thinking...
I was always the girl who could make the best of a shitty situation, work-wise. Most of my summer jobs during the university years were your typical crappy student jobs, but I made an effort to find the positive aspects and focus on those. When I was cleaning hotel rooms, I enjoyed the fact that I could put on Much Music and watch videos while I worked. When I cleaned offices, I made friends with the other cleaning staff or the men working in the warehouse where I cleaned part-time. When I recycled clothing and cut clothes into rags, I got to know the odd assortment of people who were my co-workers. I volunteered to do the trips to Tim's for everybody's coffee order.
I didn't work much with people my own age during those years. I suppose what I took away from those jobs in general was that relationships made work tolerable. And that you can find common ground with people you would never expect to. These things haven't changed, I don't think.
These past few years I seem to be losing my ability (or commitment) to finding the good in my workplaces. Maybe I've gotten to an age where I expect the job to fulfill me somehow without as much effort on my part. Maybe I'm old and cranky and have no patience for people anymore. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm on the wrong path. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I've lost the focus on people. Who knows. I just seem to be floundering.
When I left my job at BW in October, I really believed I was doing the right thing. The stress was really getting to me and I just couldn't imagine living that way indefinitely. The money was extremely attractive at the new shop. But then I got plunked down in the corner of my current workplace without so much as an orientation session or any formal training to speak of. The vague promise that "in a year you'll have it all figured out" was not terribly comforting. Nor was the increased paycheque.
To make matters worse, I'm completely isolated on the floor. We are a two-person department and aren't even located very close to any other departments. The social aspect is depressing at best. My spirits have sunk lower and lower as I fight the boredom, loneliness and lack of purpose that I've felt since making the switch. Hell, I'm even gaining weight and suffering from ailments which only troubled me sporadically before: sore back, sore neck, sore ribs, headaches.
I have given myself permission to quit. My resignation letter is drafted and saved with a bullet point where the date should be inserted: "..my last day of work will be June •..." I have also tried to focus on my escape plan. I applied to Carleton in January, got my acceptance in March, applied for a student loan in May... but the time between these developments drags and drags. I can maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Surely I can tough it out for three more months - less than three months now. Besides, how irresponsible would it be to leave a financially rewarding position just before I become a starving student again...? That would be a tough one to justify, despite the fact that sometimes I ask myself, "what's the price of sanity?"
Today I started reviewing my Carleton paraphenalia a little more closely. They sent me a course audit that indicates which of the required courses for the new degree I'm being given credit for. It was totally confusing at first, but I think I'm starting to make sense of it. I can almost begin to select the courses I need to register for next month when my time slot comes up.
I have to confess that I feel an odd mixture of hope and excitement combined with apprehension and doubt. My recent circumstances have created an uncertain state of mind and a certain lack of momentum that are hard to shake. I was planning to use this week to really re-visit my decision and confirm that I understand what I'm taking on, and as I tackled it today, I feel how huge it all is. Today is the day to feel doubtful and confused, and maybe tomorrow after I've slept on it I'll feel the resolve and enthusiasm that I know exists underneath. | ¶ 3:21 a.m.
I was always the girl who could make the best of a shitty situation, work-wise. Most of my summer jobs during the university years were your typical crappy student jobs, but I made an effort to find the positive aspects and focus on those. When I was cleaning hotel rooms, I enjoyed the fact that I could put on Much Music and watch videos while I worked. When I cleaned offices, I made friends with the other cleaning staff or the men working in the warehouse where I cleaned part-time. When I recycled clothing and cut clothes into rags, I got to know the odd assortment of people who were my co-workers. I volunteered to do the trips to Tim's for everybody's coffee order.
I didn't work much with people my own age during those years. I suppose what I took away from those jobs in general was that relationships made work tolerable. And that you can find common ground with people you would never expect to. These things haven't changed, I don't think.
These past few years I seem to be losing my ability (or commitment) to finding the good in my workplaces. Maybe I've gotten to an age where I expect the job to fulfill me somehow without as much effort on my part. Maybe I'm old and cranky and have no patience for people anymore. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm on the wrong path. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I've lost the focus on people. Who knows. I just seem to be floundering.
When I left my job at BW in October, I really believed I was doing the right thing. The stress was really getting to me and I just couldn't imagine living that way indefinitely. The money was extremely attractive at the new shop. But then I got plunked down in the corner of my current workplace without so much as an orientation session or any formal training to speak of. The vague promise that "in a year you'll have it all figured out" was not terribly comforting. Nor was the increased paycheque.
To make matters worse, I'm completely isolated on the floor. We are a two-person department and aren't even located very close to any other departments. The social aspect is depressing at best. My spirits have sunk lower and lower as I fight the boredom, loneliness and lack of purpose that I've felt since making the switch. Hell, I'm even gaining weight and suffering from ailments which only troubled me sporadically before: sore back, sore neck, sore ribs, headaches.
I have given myself permission to quit. My resignation letter is drafted and saved with a bullet point where the date should be inserted: "..my last day of work will be June •..." I have also tried to focus on my escape plan. I applied to Carleton in January, got my acceptance in March, applied for a student loan in May... but the time between these developments drags and drags. I can maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Surely I can tough it out for three more months - less than three months now. Besides, how irresponsible would it be to leave a financially rewarding position just before I become a starving student again...? That would be a tough one to justify, despite the fact that sometimes I ask myself, "what's the price of sanity?"
Today I started reviewing my Carleton paraphenalia a little more closely. They sent me a course audit that indicates which of the required courses for the new degree I'm being given credit for. It was totally confusing at first, but I think I'm starting to make sense of it. I can almost begin to select the courses I need to register for next month when my time slot comes up.
I have to confess that I feel an odd mixture of hope and excitement combined with apprehension and doubt. My recent circumstances have created an uncertain state of mind and a certain lack of momentum that are hard to shake. I was planning to use this week to really re-visit my decision and confirm that I understand what I'm taking on, and as I tackled it today, I feel how huge it all is. Today is the day to feel doubtful and confused, and maybe tomorrow after I've slept on it I'll feel the resolve and enthusiasm that I know exists underneath. | ¶ 3:21 a.m.
