vendredi, août 18, 2006
I had a dream I was your hero
In an effort to purge and prepare for packing and mass transport of all my worldly possessions, I have started tackling the piles of paper that represent my life. One folder for taxes, a filing system for all financial matters, and a recent addition, the folder that shows the paper trail of my year at Bishop's. I reviewed it tonight - the letter of "acceptance", my notes regarding a potential apartment, my two appeals to the student loan people to give me more money. And I felt that spark again - I remembered how I felt that year, and how I still feel about my experience then. Apprehensive, excited, frustrated, challenged, independent, proud.
And now I rush back to school again, in an effort to re-create my most recent positive experience. Or something.
People always want to know, "what are you taking?" and it's always followed by "so where will that get you?"
Dude, I don't know. As one co-worker was quick to point out, "political science is a useless degree". Hmm, since I already have one useless degree, why not add to the pile, eh.
A friend of mine is angry about something - she participated in a relationship where she now realizes she sacrificed too much of herself and tolerated too much disrespect. So now she's angry and doesn't feel ready to forgive the person she was involved with. But she also realizes that she is partly to blame, and feels the guilt associated with that. How do you hold another person responsible when you were a willing participant?
I feel the same about my job this past year. I have been miserable - unchallenged and directionless - but I feel partly responsible, as though if I'd come to work more days with blind enthusiasm and energy, maybe things could have gone differently. My boss is a super-nice man who is just a little oblivious to his role as manager. So I've never had any real feedback on what I should do on a daily basis, and rarely any follow-up when I get assignments. It makes me feel like nothing I do really matters. I remember when I was at BW I realized that "if everything is urgent, then nothing can be urgent". Here it's the opposite. Nothing is ever urgent, so nothing ever feels urgent. I have no idea what my priorities are supposed to be. And yes, I've asked from time to time.
It's a failure on both sides, you might say.
The reactions to my plan vary a lot. Some of my friends give me a look that says "you're crazy". Others support it whole-heartedly. Co-workers and ex-co-workers express a certain envy, but comment that they "could never afford it". It's about priorities, I suppose. I can't really afford it either, which is why I'm grateful that we have a student loan system in this country that gives you the benefit of the doubt. What I won't have for a while is any fancy vacations or shopping expeditions. I have chosen to become something of a starving student, and as much as it sucks sometimes to not have money to splurge on random feel-good items, the bigger picture is that I will find a day-to-day satisfaction that money doesn't currently (and probably would never) bring to me.
That is where it will get me. | ¶ 1:01 a.m.
And now I rush back to school again, in an effort to re-create my most recent positive experience. Or something.
People always want to know, "what are you taking?" and it's always followed by "so where will that get you?"
Dude, I don't know. As one co-worker was quick to point out, "political science is a useless degree". Hmm, since I already have one useless degree, why not add to the pile, eh.
A friend of mine is angry about something - she participated in a relationship where she now realizes she sacrificed too much of herself and tolerated too much disrespect. So now she's angry and doesn't feel ready to forgive the person she was involved with. But she also realizes that she is partly to blame, and feels the guilt associated with that. How do you hold another person responsible when you were a willing participant?I feel the same about my job this past year. I have been miserable - unchallenged and directionless - but I feel partly responsible, as though if I'd come to work more days with blind enthusiasm and energy, maybe things could have gone differently. My boss is a super-nice man who is just a little oblivious to his role as manager. So I've never had any real feedback on what I should do on a daily basis, and rarely any follow-up when I get assignments. It makes me feel like nothing I do really matters. I remember when I was at BW I realized that "if everything is urgent, then nothing can be urgent". Here it's the opposite. Nothing is ever urgent, so nothing ever feels urgent. I have no idea what my priorities are supposed to be. And yes, I've asked from time to time.
It's a failure on both sides, you might say.
The reactions to my plan vary a lot. Some of my friends give me a look that says "you're crazy". Others support it whole-heartedly. Co-workers and ex-co-workers express a certain envy, but comment that they "could never afford it". It's about priorities, I suppose. I can't really afford it either, which is why I'm grateful that we have a student loan system in this country that gives you the benefit of the doubt. What I won't have for a while is any fancy vacations or shopping expeditions. I have chosen to become something of a starving student, and as much as it sucks sometimes to not have money to splurge on random feel-good items, the bigger picture is that I will find a day-to-day satisfaction that money doesn't currently (and probably would never) bring to me.
That is where it will get me. | ¶ 1:01 a.m.
