mardi, août 22, 2006
I'm all dressed up for Prague, pack my suit in a bag
I turned off my computer early tonight so that I could go to bed early and get a good night's sleep. I have to go to work a bit early the next few days because I'm training my replacement, and she's been told that I work 8:30 to 4:30. Officially, I should work longer than that, but my job and I don't have such a great relationship and I'm barely inspired to give it that much of my time.
I seem to have been hit with some kind of insomnia tonight, though. I am pretty wide awake at this late hour, so I have made myself some tea and put on some Damien Rice to serenade me. I love that guy.
Maybe it's the power of suggestion. I went to the chiropractor today and heard his staff mention his "new technique". When I went into the treatment area, he some information about his new technique posted up on a reading board. I remember something about, "retracing may occur; this is when old physical and emotional hurts are brought back to the surface..." Or something along those lines.
Now I know a lot of people are suspicious of chiropractic treatment. Some chiropractors are definitely more effective than others. I like the guy I see now because you just get a sense when he puts his hands on your head, neck and spine that he knows what he's doing. He has a reassuring demeanor and touch.
Anyway. I'm not aware of any old hurts resurfacing. I feel a little stiff today, but I think that's related to assisting "Gwen" when she came to freecycle my microwave cart. We awkwardly carried it down the stairs of my apartment building together and equally awkwardly shoved it into her Plymouth Acclaim. But it's not the stiffness creating agitation tonight; it's some mental restlessness.
Lately I've been feeling off. It's a lot of apprehension and an aggregate feeling of unease that I attribute mostly to spending these past ten months biding my time in a position that I felt resigned to. My choice, yeah. The net result is something I suppose I did not anticipate, though. My confidence is shaken and my sense of self-worth is diminished. I can't quantify any contribution I've made to my life, my job, my sense of progress. And that bothers me a lot. I've come to doubt myself and I question my decisions. Maybe I've always had this tendency, but I'm acutely aware of it lately, so it seems pronounced to me. Coming away from a year when I was filled with some brand new confidence and optimism, it definitely feels like I took a wrong turn somewhere.
Something occurred to me recently. Because I'm overly attuned to people's reactions and what I perceive as their judgment of me, I notice this: that people declare in one way or another, you're foolish to worry. When I express my doubt, my worry, or my uncertainty, I'm not looking for outright validation, but for people who express fearlessness and some unwavering sense of confidence, I wonder why they can't accept my lack of confidence. Why is it that they can accept everything except those who don't accept everything...? Even if you think it's silly, my uncertainty remains.
How can I be excited to go to a place I've never been? To me, that would be silly. Right now I'm not sure about my plan and right now I have some doubts. But I'm going to move forward and trust in the plan that I once had confidence in. One foot in front of the other, and I know I'll get there, wherever it is I need to be. In the same way that I know that if I just lie down and close my eyes, eventually I'll fall asleep. | ¶ 1:38 a.m.
I seem to have been hit with some kind of insomnia tonight, though. I am pretty wide awake at this late hour, so I have made myself some tea and put on some Damien Rice to serenade me. I love that guy.
Maybe it's the power of suggestion. I went to the chiropractor today and heard his staff mention his "new technique". When I went into the treatment area, he some information about his new technique posted up on a reading board. I remember something about, "retracing may occur; this is when old physical and emotional hurts are brought back to the surface..." Or something along those lines.
Now I know a lot of people are suspicious of chiropractic treatment. Some chiropractors are definitely more effective than others. I like the guy I see now because you just get a sense when he puts his hands on your head, neck and spine that he knows what he's doing. He has a reassuring demeanor and touch.
Anyway. I'm not aware of any old hurts resurfacing. I feel a little stiff today, but I think that's related to assisting "Gwen" when she came to freecycle my microwave cart. We awkwardly carried it down the stairs of my apartment building together and equally awkwardly shoved it into her Plymouth Acclaim. But it's not the stiffness creating agitation tonight; it's some mental restlessness.
Lately I've been feeling off. It's a lot of apprehension and an aggregate feeling of unease that I attribute mostly to spending these past ten months biding my time in a position that I felt resigned to. My choice, yeah. The net result is something I suppose I did not anticipate, though. My confidence is shaken and my sense of self-worth is diminished. I can't quantify any contribution I've made to my life, my job, my sense of progress. And that bothers me a lot. I've come to doubt myself and I question my decisions. Maybe I've always had this tendency, but I'm acutely aware of it lately, so it seems pronounced to me. Coming away from a year when I was filled with some brand new confidence and optimism, it definitely feels like I took a wrong turn somewhere.
Something occurred to me recently. Because I'm overly attuned to people's reactions and what I perceive as their judgment of me, I notice this: that people declare in one way or another, you're foolish to worry. When I express my doubt, my worry, or my uncertainty, I'm not looking for outright validation, but for people who express fearlessness and some unwavering sense of confidence, I wonder why they can't accept my lack of confidence. Why is it that they can accept everything except those who don't accept everything...? Even if you think it's silly, my uncertainty remains.
How can I be excited to go to a place I've never been? To me, that would be silly. Right now I'm not sure about my plan and right now I have some doubts. But I'm going to move forward and trust in the plan that I once had confidence in. One foot in front of the other, and I know I'll get there, wherever it is I need to be. In the same way that I know that if I just lie down and close my eyes, eventually I'll fall asleep. | ¶ 1:38 a.m.
