you put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself Okay, slight change in plans. froo and I weren't feeling so ambitious today and not quite up to tackling the long drive to Vancouver. Plus, it's the first day of my four-day long weekend and the first day of her vacation and we want to ease into things. We're going to hit the road early tomorrow instead. And Devin has decided to join us - there was still a seat available on the flight I'm taking back to Calgary on Monday, so he's all booked with me.

Yesterday I made a trip to the airport to pick up Persuade, who has finally come back from her globetrotting adventures (World Cup in Germany and hanging with pals in London). And wasn't I delighted last night when I met her for some beverages and she surprised me with a gift she had picked up in London - a lovely new handbag from Mango. I'm telling you, Persuade takes her role as my personal style consultant very seriously. My bag is very cool.  | ¶ 11:15 p.m.

  total award = not zero They made a decision. I've got some dough for school.  | ¶ 5:40 p.m.

  you'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best Oops! My boss just told me that one of our company insiders was fined for filing his insider trading report late. Guess who files these reports? That would be ME. When I was given the list of VP stock option grants a few months back, I missed this one dude, so I filed his report earlier this month. Usually the regulators aren't terribly sticky on these things (the deadline for filing any transaction is no more than ten days after it happens). I guess when you miss it by a few months, they care a bit more. A thousand dollars more... Eep. Oh well, Bob didn't seem very bothered by it, so I guess I'm not in trouble.

I'm going to Vancouver tomorrow! We have another 4-day weekend and froo wanted to get out of town, so I'm making the long drive with her tomorrow and flying back solo on Monday. She's going to stay and bum around Van-groovey for the week. Yay - roadtrip!

Yesterday I got a call from somebody at the office of the federal NDP party (I'm a member). He blabbed on about what the party was up to and told me there was a rumour floating around political circles in Ottawa that Harper is planning a snap election in the fall (does he think he's going to get his majority? eep!). Then he asked me for money. So I proceeded to give this random dude who called me my credit card number to make another donation to the party. As I drifted off to sleep last night, I prayed that this dude isn't now enjoying a lovely caribbean cruise courtesy of Stacey's Visa.  | ¶ 12:26 p.m.

  compare and contrast Last week:



This week:

  | ¶ 10:40 p.m.

  thanks to you now I get what I want
Ah, summer in Calgary. Today after work Devin picked me up equipped with picnic supplies and a frisbee. As we crossed the Bow River I saw people rafting. So although we just went yesterday, I called froo and said, "I just have one question for you - are you a hard-core rafter or not?" Luckily, froo enjoys a good Bow River float and she was game for another adventure. We met her at Edworthy Park, fed her some dinner, then trekked up to Bowness to launch.

A refresher for those who might forget my previous rafting stories: rafting requires a lot of preparation time. Devin measured how far we floated yesterday and it was sixteen kilometres of Bow River! Check out this map to see the distance we covered. So what that means is that prior to going to the launch point, two cars must meet at the get-out point to deposit a vehicle. Yesterday we floated all the way down to Prince's Island, so it was at least a three-hour trip. Today since it was post-work and the daylight and warmth were fading, we made it a relatively short float - just under two hours from Bowness Park to Edworthy Park.

After a strategic assessment of what can be left at the get-out point, we pile into froo's car (she's the owner of all rafting gear, so her car is usually pre-loaded) and make the drive to Bowness. Then it's an unloading and inflating process. Luckily froo invested in a couple of quality air pumps, so we're quicker than we used to be back in the day, but it's still a reasonably time-consuming process. Getting down to the water's edge, piling into the boat while trying not to wade too much in the icy Bow River and avoiding getting dirty shoes in the boat is also a tricky proces. Then it's push-off, and some paddling to get to the "channel" - the main current in the middle of the riverbed.

The river changes over the summer season. We have a relatively high water level right now after our heavy June rains, so the current is faster, too. froo and I have floated the Bow so many times that we know most of the tricky parts - where the water is choppier due to large rocks below the surface, or too shallow, but it still requires vigilance to assess any potential threats during the float. Okay, okay, we do manage to sunbathe, drink wine and eat Doritos, but there are a few places that mean sitting up and preparing to paddle. We're rafting champs. And Devin will be in no time, if we keep up this schedule of rafting on as many hot days as possible.

Navigating to the get-out location is usually slightly tricky, too. The Bow doesn't have many friendly shores that taper gently. We're always climbing over large rocks with the still-inflated raft over our heads, trying not to fall backwards into the river. Luckily we're getting better and better at that, too. Then we all pile our weight on to the boat to deflate it slowly, while the skoonies (mosquitos) attack us and the grass tickles our ankles.

Photos from yesterday's and today's rafting adventures are here.  | ¶ 12:04 a.m.

  maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
Yesterday was "Super Soccer Saturday" for some of the youth soccer leagues in Calgary. My niece and nephew both had a full day of games, and Devin and I went to the fields in the morning to lend our support. The weather cooperated and the day was warm and sunny for the event. It's a nicely-organized day for the kids - there are refreshments all day (McD's orange drink for the kids and Tim's coffee for the grown-ups), and at lunch they fire up the the barbecues to get the hot dogs ready. This pic is Dalt, Kyle, me and Ella watching Caia's second game. More photos here.  | ¶ 8:59 p.m.

  Vive le bon pays! There's a neat little lass and her name is Mari-Mac
And make no mistake she's the girl I'm gonna track
Lots of other fellas try to get her on the back.
But I'm thinkin' they'll have to get up early.

Mari-Macs mother's makin' Mari-Mac marry me
My mother's makin' me marry Mari-Mac
Well I'm gonna marry Mari cause Mari's takin' care o' me.
We'll all be feelin' marry when I marry Mari-Mac.  | ¶ 1:48 a.m.

  send me a postcard, drop me a line The word on the street:

Oh, happy day! Today is the happiest of 2006

We have it on the authority of no less than Cliff Arnall, the psychologist in Wales who calculated that Jan. 23 was the most depressing day of the year. You may recall the day. It was election day in Canada.

"Happiness," he told the BBC in 2005, "is associated with many things in life and can be triggered by a variety of events.

"Whether it's a sunny day, a childhood memory, or something as effortless as eating a delicious ice cream, I wanted my formula to prove the key to happiness can really be that simple."

I suspect that today is happy because it's Gina's birthday. Happy day! Happy birthday, Gina!  | ¶ 4:11 p.m.

  total award = $0 Man. I'm probably a little too fixated on this (I only check the website three or four times a day), but I sure wish they would make a decision already.

  | ¶ 12:13 p.m.

  pay attention to me I don't talk for my health My company has just gained two new board members. One of them is a well-known local ex-politician. They're coming in this afternoon to have photos taken for our company paraphenalia, and I got to call them to tell them where to park (we have an underground parkade). I feel pretty important, let me tell you.

Some random thoughts:

When people who have read my blog regularly for some period of time stop reading, I feel offended somehow.

I try to make a habit of replying to comments I receive on my blog. I wish other people would do the same. Otherwise a person is left hanging, as though what they said was deemed either too dumb, irrelevant, or not worthy of response. Commenting on my blog is encouraged (except, you know, by crazy people).

Yesterday Devin and I got caught in the crazy Calgary hailstorm. These are my feet - we stopped briefly under a tree - as you can see, I was not wearing proper footwear to handle having hailstones pelted at my exposed skin. Ow!  | ¶ 1:46 p.m.

  sometimes it's the words we don't say that get in the way One of the news items in Canada today is the bust of a drug ring in Quebec. Among the charges laid against some individuals is the charge of "gangsterism". I was not familiar with this crime.

I know some people who could be called gangsters.

Or punks.

Is punksterism a crime?  | ¶ 7:10 p.m.

  something happened that I never understood Oh man. Cats in Sinks makes me laugh. Check out this guy:
  | ¶ 4:14 p.m.

  morning number thirty-two, waking up without you I sorta feel like I'm the last one to read this book, but I purchased The Tipping Point a few months ago, and I'm finally getting into the meat of it lately. It's intriguing and surpringly well written. Actually, I probably shouldn't say "surprisingly" because it's Malcolm Gladwell and I knew from some of his previous articles that he was a terrific writer. This book was (and maybe still is) a best-seller, and with good reason. It explores how an idea reaches the point where it "tips" and spreads quickly to seemingly unrelated sectors of society. Whether it be the resurgence of Hush Puppies, Paul Revere's successful night ride, a flu, or a well-crafted television show... what makes a message "sticky"? And what makes a person influential enough to start a trend?

Anyway, I won't get into all that right now. I was reading an article in the New York Times today and it made me think of the section I'm in right now - "The Power of Context". More specifically within this section he addressed something called the "Broken Windows Theory".

"Broken Windows was the brainchild of the criminologists James Q. Wilson and George Kelling. Wilson and Kelling argued that crime is the inevitable result of disorder. If a window is broken and left unrepaired, people walking by will conclude that no one cares and no one is in charge. Soon, more windows will be broken, and the sense of anarchy will spread from the building to the street on which it faces, sending a signal that anything goes. In a city, relatively minor problems like graffiti, public disorder, and aggressive panhandling, they write, are all the equivalent of broken windows, invitations to more serious crimes."

I used to wonder why some community groups seemed so focussed on cleaning up graffiti. The instant it happened, they tackled it and got it cleaned up. It just seemed to me that there were these aspiring street artist types that had a rebellious side and would continue to plaster their message wherever and whenever they could. So what was the point...? This story about the dude charged with cleaning up the New York City subway system in the late 80s kinda made the point clear to me:

"'We had a yard up in Harlem on one hundred thirty-fifth Street where the trains would lay up over night,' Gunn said. 'The kids would come the first night and paint the side of the train white. They they would come the next night, after it was dry, and draw the outline. Then they would come the third night and color it in. It was a three-day job. We knew the kids would be working on one of the dirty trains, and what we would do is wait for them to finish their mural. Then we'd walk over with rollers and paint it over. The kids would be in tears, but we'd just be going up and down, up and down. It was a message to them. If you want to spend three nights of your time vandalizing a train, fine. But it's never going to see the light of day.'"

Bravo, eh. Don't let the petty criminal be rewarded for his behaviour and maybe you stem the problem.

Anyway, the headline in the New York Times today was "Crime Rising, New Orleans Asks for National Guard". I can only imagine the chaos in that city right now. The unfulfilled promises of the Shrub and his gang to do whatever it takes to clean up the disaster of Katrina cannot result in any real quality of life for the citizens in that city. I mean, I know it's a much broader issue than aesthetics, but from what I know of the situation, successfully tackling even one of the issues facing New Orleans would be a tiny step forward. George is full of words but seriously lacking in follow-through... well, we all know that by now.

"The mayor's plea for help came after five teenagers were shot to death with semiautomatic weapons in the Central City neighborhood while sitting in a sport-utility vehicle Saturday morning. It was the deadliest single shooting attack in the city in 11 years, raising to 53 the number of homicides this year."

Mostly it's sad. We've been witness to this debacle since the storm hit, and although it's not typically headline news these days, if you check in now and then you realize that it hasn't gotten much better. We all know that if adequate manpower and financial resources were dedicated to fixing the problem - political will, you might call it - something resembling a functioning community could be developed much more quickly than the pace they're currently working at. You just have to look at the example of the U.S. or Canadian militaries working overseas. You know they're capable of building virtual cities over there in near-desert conditions - American food chains, Canadian coffee shops, movie theaters, beauty salons (okay, barber shops..), etc, etc, etc.

But the poor city of New Orleans is not worthy of re-building. No "spreading of democracy" or freedom there. Where's your oil, New Orleans? Okay, well, we'll get back to you.

You're doing a heckuva job, Shrubbie.  | ¶ 9:42 p.m.

  I'm taking the long way around I was pretty pleased with myself last night. I went running, and something unexpected happened. When I got home and measured my distance and then calculated my pace, it seems that I have made some progress in getting my speed up. Remember a while ago when I couldn't even run a kilometre in six and a half minutes? Last night I ran at a pace of six minutes, twelve seconds per kilometre and I ran 4.2 kilometres. I had to push myself and it wasn't easy, but I had no idea that I was getting that speedy (okay, probably not a terribly impressive speed for real runners, but excellent for me).

And then I crashed hard, slept like a champ, and kinda need a nap or something today. My quads are pretty stiff.

But I am a champ.  | ¶ 4:14 p.m.

  we've been talkin' 'bout Jackson ever since the fire went out On Friday before we took in Al's movie, Devin and I wandered down to Prince's Island to inspect the water level of the Bow River. We've had quite a lot of rain here in Calgary this month. Not quite flood-worthy, but enough to impress when you see how much the water level has come up. Friday afternoon turned into a very nice afternoon, so it was a nice time for a stroll, and some photo-taking. In my photos, you can see what appear to be little creeks but are actually the footpaths covered with water. The Bow River isn't typically a very deep one - during the summer when we raft, it's not uncommon to get grounded or to drag your feet on the bottom. So that's a nice reference for assessing the water depth these days.

Another odd thing that happens here (when we get a lot of rain?) is that the poplar trees produce a lot of fluffies ("down-covered capsules"). The air is just filled with these white fluffy things that tickle your face and get up your nose (and everywhere, really). A couple of my pictures show them - they look like snow against the blue sky. And you might be able to see them in this video I shot while walking.

  | ¶ 11:11 p.m.

  I'm flying down that old dirt road, but it seems these wheels are spinning slow I read a really interesting article recently on Alternet about manhood (Growing Up to Be Boys).

This shift in the dominant image of manhood is most evident in the evolution of the so-called "Family Man." The benevolent patriarch of the '50s has been replaced by an adult teenager who spends his time sneaking off to hang out with the boys, eyeing the hot chick over his wife's shoulder, or buying cool new toys. Like a fourteen-year-old, this guy can't be trusted with the simplest of domestic tasks, be it cooking dinner for the kids or shopping for groceries.

I think it's interesting to watch the evolution in the traditional roles of men and women. It almost seems that women have had the women's movement fighting for them long enough that we women feel part of the "fight", and know that we don't have to settle. Modern-day men, on the other hand, have not had to fight for their dominance in society (at least over women), and so there really isn't a lot of championing of a positive "men's movement". Sometimes I think some men are losing their identity and sense of what it means to be a man. Not that there should be a one-size-fits-all definition of manhood. But this phenomenon mentioned in the article noted above seems rather like regression.

Where traditional masculinity embraced marriage, children and work as rites of passage into manhood, the 21st century version shuns them as emasculating, with the wife cast in the role of the castrating mother. The result resembles a childlike fantasy of manhood that is endowed with the perks of adulthood - money, sex, freedom - but none of its responsibilities.

We internalize a lot from the role models in our lives during our formative years. My dad was not the macho-man type, but really took on the role of provider and domestic master. He cooked, he cleaned up, he shopped, he chauffeured. However, he did also fill the more traditional masculine roles - he built our backyard pool and deck, he tuned his bike, he changed tires, he coached sports. It's a tall order for the men in my life to meet the expectation that I have developed as a result of this upbringing.

Last summer I read a novel called The Time Traveler's Wife and I enjoyed it so much that I was barely able to put it down, and immediately commenced re-reading from the start when I finished it. It's a compelling story about the lives of a man and a woman, but the love story between the two and the near inevitability of certain aspects of their merged existence is what intrigued me the most. As Henry jumps around in time, he learns that trying to affect the past or the future is futile, so he tries to let things run their natural course, as tempting as it is for him to interfere.

I like that idea, that fighting to control your destiny isn't really what your energy should be focussed on. Every adventure, every disappointment, every poignant moment will teach a lesson and fade away, only to be succeeded by more adventures, disappointments and poignant moments. All you can do is the best you know how to do in the moment that you find yourself in, try not to chide yourself too much for the mistakes you make, and accept that a more mature version of yourself will do better, the next time you are presented with a similar situation.

Henry is a runner. When he time travels, sometimes running saves his life, so he's religious about getting up and doing his run every morning, no matter what the weather.

My father was a runner during my childhood. My brother Keri is a runner too. It's interesting to observe my brother as a role model to his children. There are days when I almost flash back to my own childhood, because Keri is so like my father in many of his lifestyle habits that he almost duplicates moments our own upbringing. I've seen Keri get back from a run and do his cooldown stretching on the floor of the livingroom, with Caia and Ella clambering into his lap and climbing on his back. This so closely resembles some of my own memories of our dad - the man who would run no matter what the weather or the season - that it's almost eerie. It's nice to see him setting that example for the next generation of Ryan children.

In The Time Traveller's Wife Henry tries to explains to the doctor he visits for help with his "problem" why he chose him:

"Why did you come to me?"

"Because I had come to you. It wasn't a matter of choice."

"Fate?"

"Call it whatever you want. Things get kind of circular, when you're me. Cause and effect get muddled."

Happy Father's Day to the Ryan men, who continue to live their lives in a way that their children can respect and want to emulate.  | ¶ 12:23 a.m.

  I can hear the voice inside my head You know what last night was, right? It was Al Gore movie night!

froo, Devin and I caught the opening night of "An Inconvenient Truth" downtown at the Globe Theatre. It's the only theatre in town showing the documentary. Although we intended to attend the early showing, this movie must be receiving sufficient buzz that the resulting long line-up kinda scared us away. Okay, we didn't get that scared. We just decided to head down to the Sumo Lounge for a sushi dinner and take in the later show instead. It was slightly less busy, I believe.

Anyway, you should really SEE this movie. It's quite the wake-up call. Al does an excellent job refuting the critics who say that the earth has cyclical warming and cooling trends (and that what we are experiencing now is simply part of that). All you have to see are his graphs showing the up-and-down cycle over thousands of year and the seemingly sudden recent spike on a variety of measures to seriously scare you. Bring in some big-screen images of melting arctic ice sheets and it doesn't take much more convincing. Oh, and this tidbit: science textbooks will need to be re-written, because it has long been believed that it was impossible to see a hurricane in the south Atlantic Ocean. The waters are getting too warm and we had a our very first one last year. Eep.

I'm adding a pledge widget over on the right; if you're so inclined, click it and commit to seeing the movie. I made the pledge a few weeks ago and I'm a keeper of pledges, don't you know.  | ¶ 3:53 p.m.

  there was something in the air that night
the stars were bright, Fernando After work yesterday I headed over to the Wildwood Pub with froo, Devin and Mark to take in the "last game of the season". It was nice to see Pisani stretch the season out for at least one more game with his overtime winner.

(I am firmly on the bandwagon this week.)

Go Oilers!  | ¶ 11:39 a.m.

  I think I might like the quiet nights What do you think of froo's new curtains? Aren't they lovely in their ruby-red brilliance?
  | ¶ 6:13 p.m.

  come and wash my pain away
This is a pic taken on the drive home from work a few weeks ago. We were on Crowchild Trail, and the rain had just stopped - that lovely rainbow peaked out just north of downtown.

The word on the street today is that the rainstorm we experienced overnight here in Calgary was so loud with booming thunder and pouring rain that many were awakened by scared "pets and children". I remember waking up around 3:30, hearing lots and lots of rain (weird - this is Calgary), and promptly re-setting my alarm for a later time, 'cause I had planned to go running before work. I opted to forego running in the wet. But I didn't hear any thunder or see any lightning.

It's a new thing we're trying in Calgary these past few years - lots of spring rain. Where there used to be lots and lots of yellow foliage, now everything is green and lush, with the overly-blossomed trees blocking street signs and sidewalks with their drooping branches. Last year we had flooding. Bring back the sun!  | ¶ 4:41 p.m.

  just one more time then that's it I've discovered a couple fun new TV shows recently. Okay, they're not brand new, but new enough, and new to me, so new-ish...

First Hell's Kitchen. I caught two episodes last night (first two of the new season) and I was very impressed. If you're not familiar, it's a reality show about wannabe-chefs. They're working with a master chef who berates and yells and swears, and to add serious pressure, they're working in a functioning restaurant. So these first two episodes have seen many customers walk out in frustration, sick of waiting for their food, as the chef won't allow anything less than a perfect product leave the kitchen. The contestants are divided into a men's team and a women's teams, and, well, they're not funtioning very well as TEAMS just yet. Anyway, the show is really well produced and has slick camera work and voice over narration. I'm not sure if it appeals to me a bit because I've worked in kitchens before; it just seems like a quality show. Seriously, highly recommended.

Next is a show I'd been hearing about - a relatively new one on HBO called Entourage. I got the first season and Devin and I are working our way through the episodes (I think they're in their third season now...?). It's sort of a guy buddy show, about a group of friends from New York who have moved to Los Angeles sort of as the "entourage" of one guy who's kinda just breaking into the big-time as on actor on the Hollywood scene. It's really quite entertaining, seeing the surreality (is that a word?) of that part of the world through the eyes of these fairly average dudes. Good writing and good laughs.

[/entertainment report]  | ¶ 8:55 p.m.

  I know these voices in my head are mine alone Good news! You don't need to stop drinking to prevent liver damage - just increase your coffee intake.

"These data support the hypothesis that there is an ingredient in coffee that protects against cirrhosis, especially alcoholic cirrhosis," concluded the report published in the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Good to know. I guess this means I can listen to the advice I recently received:

I don't know about quitting. Why don't you make like the rest of us and deal with it through a combination of escape fantasies and overdrinking?

Fine, fine - I won't quit.

Not today, anyway...

Beers tomorrow...!  | ¶ 4:24 p.m.

  growing up is not the absence of dreaming A few days ago Devin and I dropped Persuade off at the airport. After a quick stop in London, she's heading to Germany for the World Cup. Now you wouldn't typically think of Persuade as a tremendous soccer fan, but this year is a big one for her homeland: it is the first time that Trinidad has qualified for the World Cup. And seeing as it's a tiny nation and a fairly tight-knit community, well, you know the people are planning to gather in Germany to support their boys.

I started thinking about somebody I was once acquainted with from Trinidad. He was called, well, "Trinny".

You see, the first year I was at Bishop's in 1992, there seemed to be a surprisingly large group of Caribbean-folk. Mostly they were from Barbados, and in a community of only two thousand students they seemed very visibly placed, so to me they were everywhere. One dude lived across the hall from me in rez, another was our RA (Don). Then there was another RA that I had a mad crush on (because of the cuteness, you see); Dean Hoyos was a treat to take in. I remember a particularly embarrassing scenario - one of those rez parties where the RAs were the designated sellers of shooters. Well didn't I just start making my request to Dean with "I want a shot and I think you're hot". Ah, the drunken frosh year. [DORK.] But I digress...

"Trinny" was one of the Bajan crowd. He was quieter than the other guys and didn't stand out, so although I maybe once knew his real name, it has long been forgotten at this point. The Bajans had nicknames for practicallly everybody on campus; they were the ones who referred to him "Trinny". The girl on my floor who had the popcorn maker became "popcorn girl", and most other names I heard for various students weren't terribly original either. I was "twin girl" - that made it easy for them because they could call froo and me the same thing and didn't need to learn the difference. I wonder now if Persuade knows Trinny, whoever he is...  | ¶ 2:59 a.m.

  who can say when the roads meet Devin and I watched the craziest documentary yesterday. I keep getting my documentaries from this list on Yahoo, so I grabbed something called "The Aristocrats". Here's the synopsis they give:

Comedy veterans and co-creators Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza capitalize on their insider status and invite over 100 of their closest friends--who happen to be some of the biggest names in entertainment, from George Carlin, Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Cary to Gilbert Gottfried, Bob Saget, Paul Reiser and Sarah Silverman--to reminisce, analyze, deconstruct and deliver their their own versions of world's dirtiest joke, an old burlesque, too extreme to be performed in public, called "The Aristocrats."

And seriously, the joke is weird and bad and, in most versions, in horribly poor taste. Some might even call it "low-brow". But if you can get past the possibility that you'll find the joke offensive (it is so NOT to be taken literally!), the documentary is actually hilarious. Sort of shockingly hilarious.  | ¶ 6:24 p.m.

  you will find the gate that's open even though your spirit's broken I lost my shirt.

Friday night I was out at a smoky bar. So when I came home, I draped my clothing up over various doors to air it out. And somehow I misplaced my shirt in the process. I can't figure out where it might be. This picture was taken on the train on the way home, so I know I didn't do anything ultra-crazy and leave it at the bar. I don't typically undress in public places no matter how much I've had to drink...!

Have you seen my shirt! It's a pretty yellow one.  | ¶ 2:51 a.m.

  you don't understand me, and you'd never even try to anyway This is what happens when you have time off and nothing planned. You end up doing a lot of your sleeping in daytime hours and find yourself awake at crazy hours of the night. And doing a lot of thinking...

I was always the girl who could make the best of a shitty situation, work-wise. Most of my summer jobs during the university years were your typical crappy student jobs, but I made an effort to find the positive aspects and focus on those. When I was cleaning hotel rooms, I enjoyed the fact that I could put on Much Music and watch videos while I worked. When I cleaned offices, I made friends with the other cleaning staff or the men working in the warehouse where I cleaned part-time. When I recycled clothing and cut clothes into rags, I got to know the odd assortment of people who were my co-workers. I volunteered to do the trips to Tim's for everybody's coffee order.

I didn't work much with people my own age during those years. I suppose what I took away from those jobs in general was that relationships made work tolerable. And that you can find common ground with people you would never expect to. These things haven't changed, I don't think.

These past few years I seem to be losing my ability (or commitment) to finding the good in my workplaces. Maybe I've gotten to an age where I expect the job to fulfill me somehow without as much effort on my part. Maybe I'm old and cranky and have no patience for people anymore. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'm on the wrong path. Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe I've lost the focus on people. Who knows. I just seem to be floundering.

When I left my job at BW in October, I really believed I was doing the right thing. The stress was really getting to me and I just couldn't imagine living that way indefinitely. The money was extremely attractive at the new shop. But then I got plunked down in the corner of my current workplace without so much as an orientation session or any formal training to speak of. The vague promise that "in a year you'll have it all figured out" was not terribly comforting. Nor was the increased paycheque.

To make matters worse, I'm completely isolated on the floor. We are a two-person department and aren't even located very close to any other departments. The social aspect is depressing at best. My spirits have sunk lower and lower as I fight the boredom, loneliness and lack of purpose that I've felt since making the switch. Hell, I'm even gaining weight and suffering from ailments which only troubled me sporadically before: sore back, sore neck, sore ribs, headaches.

I have given myself permission to quit. My resignation letter is drafted and saved with a bullet point where the date should be inserted: "..my last day of work will be June •..." I have also tried to focus on my escape plan. I applied to Carleton in January, got my acceptance in March, applied for a student loan in May... but the time between these developments drags and drags. I can maybe see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Surely I can tough it out for three more months - less than three months now. Besides, how irresponsible would it be to leave a financially rewarding position just before I become a starving student again...? That would be a tough one to justify, despite the fact that sometimes I ask myself, "what's the price of sanity?"

Today I started reviewing my Carleton paraphenalia a little more closely. They sent me a course audit that indicates which of the required courses for the new degree I'm being given credit for. It was totally confusing at first, but I think I'm starting to make sense of it. I can almost begin to select the courses I need to register for next month when my time slot comes up.

I have to confess that I feel an odd mixture of hope and excitement combined with apprehension and doubt. My recent circumstances have created an uncertain state of mind and a certain lack of momentum that are hard to shake. I was planning to use this week to really re-visit my decision and confirm that I understand what I'm taking on, and as I tackled it today, I feel how huge it all is. Today is the day to feel doubtful and confused, and maybe tomorrow after I've slept on it I'll feel the resolve and enthusiasm that I know exists underneath.  | ¶ 3:21 a.m.

  did you ever take the time to think about who I might be
In anticipation of my week off (I'm on holiday this week), I had a bit of a wild weekend. Some post-work drinks on Friday at both the Rose & Crown followed by the Barley Mill. And Saturday the bash to celebrate Sabina's birthday. She joined the 30-club last week, so Persuade, Devin and I joined Sabina and some of the BW crowd at the ultra-trendy Mercury Lounge on 17th Avenue.

"...The Mercury is back, and it's bigger, louder, darker, and hipper than ever. The big black and white boxing photos that adorned the old Merc have been installed in the new place, and a dance floor has been included. But the highlight is a bar that doubles as a fish tank, with real, live fish in it."

It actually struck us as rather cruel to have these fishies stuck in a "tank" that was incredibly shallow and in which existence would consist of having drink glasses and drunk people pounding away on top of you every night. Mean.

Also, this new "hipper" version of the Mercury was playing some incredibly bad music on Saturday. It was wannabe-retro, but seriously missed the mark. I mean, "Ice Ice Baby"? Seriously? Yeesh.

Besides these two issues, it was a pretty fun night. I didn't get to speak to Sabina too much because she was busy being the happy and social-butterfly birthday girl (which was completely acceptable), but I got to hang out with Persuade and Devin and some other ex-co-workers from BW, Stacey H and Jonathan. My pics are here.

It's always good to get caught up with Stacey. She was lamenting her, umm, lack of good help since I left (the word "moron" may have been used to describe her current assistant - eep). I was joking that I could come in this week on my "holiday" to help out if she wanted. It is kinda funny when we see each other because it's a recurring theme: her nightmare of an assistant and my nightmare of a job. If my plans for my life were different right now, I would probably seriously consider going back over there. If only I did get paid so well to twiddle my thumbs...!

As for my week off, although I have no formal plans, I'm quite sure I'll be happier doing "nothing" at home than I've been at work. I started the day today with a solid sleeping-in effort. Exciting, I know. Stay tuned for the follow-up...  | ¶ 3:00 p.m.

  don't concern yourself with this mess you left for me
A few weeks ago the nice folks down at Calgary Honda put on a "Women's Car Care Clinic". froo and I attended with our co-worker Candice. I have to say, this was a great event. First of all, it was free - you can't go wrong with some free education. The Honda people open up their huge garage once a month to host these women-only sessions. Their employees work into the evening to offer their expertise on such things as oil changes, tire care, what to do in case of an accident, how to prepare for a road trip, cleaning your car, and changing a tire.

When we arrived there were appetizers and beverages, and we got to select and sign up for three of the six sessions. Then we were rotated through. It was a very useful experience, and I was impressed with the level of attention given to all questions (we were encouraged to ask anything, no matter how "dumb"), and with the non-condescending tone. After the football session where they treated the women like bimbos, we were pleasantly surprised at this level of respect shown to all of us.

One really cool thing we learned about the Honda facility down there on Mcleod Trail is that they use recycled car oil to heat their building. Nothing goes to waste and they save money on heating costs. Pretty innovative. The service manager said it was a reasonably costly investment but will pay off within a few years. Very impressive for a company in oil-rich Alberta.

And they sent us all home with emergency kits for our own vehicles. Yay, I've finally got myself some booster cables! More pics here.  | ¶ 11:28 p.m.